*** I wrote this post a while ago, but I never really felt right posting it until I knew for sure that there was at least some good news. What better time to let it all out than the new year? ***
You guys are pretty used to this by now aren’t you?
Anyway, there’s no easy way to say this so I’m just going to go ahead and blurt it out. My mom has cancer.
Yeah… Not something I’d ever thought I’d say.
I’m not really going to go into detail about it at this moment because (a. my mom is a pretty private person and I feel weird talking about her personal life and (b. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. The only thing that matters is that the prognosis is good and there’s no reason for her not to beat it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll be able to take care of her and help her get through this scary moment in her life.
So what happened to me?
Well after my last post more than half a year ago:
- I got a job like a real adult. It was a great job because I got to work with my mom, but… well… since she had to step away to battle her health issues, I left too. It was very sad and I really miss it.
- Buttttt… now I have a new job. I’ve been working there a little over three weeks and it’s pretty great! Not that any job could ever top working with my mom, but the people are nice and I get a discount on nail polish!
- I went to Disneyland. Three straight days of non-stop walking. One of the few bright spots of my year.
- I had to have surgery for a lump I found in my breast. It was benign and I’m fine, but the drugs they put me on pretty much floooooored me. I swear there’s a whole half a month I don’t even remember. Also, now I have a pretty horrible/bad-ass (depending on what mood I’m in) scar.
- I went back to school. Just a few classes, but it’s been nice. Honestly though, most things are nicer than being home all day and wasting away in-front of Netflix. (<— After working four days in a row and the whole holidays I really regret typing that last sentence :P)
- Got a shiny new phone with internet and shiiiiitttt. Beats my poor, old tracfone. Also the reason for me not being absent from social networks for months at a time. Also instagram.
- I met a panda at the San Diego zoo. :3
- Aaaand other various family problems that I don’t feel comfortable talking about because this is definitely not the space for it.
In summary my 2013 went like this:
OMG, this lump is growing so much, please let it be benign… excited about the prospects of finally being able to work/go to school… Oh wait, you’re going to have to postpone that for a while… FAMILY FROM MEXICO IS OVER ALL THE TIME AND WON’T LET YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE… Oh yay, I can finally work!… Buttt, I’m too exhausted from surgery… Yay, I’m so happy… SHIT HITS THE FAN, horrible family problem, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF… Yay, I get to go back to school… Mom gets diagnosed and leaves her job… Nothing really matters after that.
I think it goes without saying that I’m not really sure when my next post is going to be. I retreated in April because my medical issues and family issues got in the way and there was really nothing I wanted to talk about. At all. Even posting a tweet seemed like a foreign concept to me. I thought I’d be fine after my surgery, but by the time I came out of my Vicodin-induced haze something even worse happened and I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. Honestly, sometimes I still don’t. Anyway, this post isn’t so that you’ll feel sorry for me, it’s just a way to transition. I can’t move forward here without talking about what happened.
I still feel a bit conflicted about posting this considering that I really don’t want to talk about what’s going on in my life, at least not the bad stuff, but it feels like the right time. Part of me is afraid that after people know about what’s going on with my mom they’ll judge me for spending my time talking about frivolous stuff. I’m afraid that if I bring to attention that money is a little tight these days, then people will judge me whenever I buy a cup of Starbucks or post a nail polish haul. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to talk about being happy or being sad because it seems like those emotions are supposed to be mutually exclusive.
Is it weird that I can spend an hour looking through the chihuahua tag on Instagram and then cry myself to sleep later that night because every bad thing that has happened this year runs through my mind? Is it weird to have a moment where you can’t breathe because you’re laughing so hard at an episode of Parks and Rec and then later that day feel you can’t breathe because you can feel the weight of everything that’s going on pressing down on you? I’d rather talk about the happier moment, but I don’t want people to think I’m exaggerating about my sadness because it’s the one I talk about the most.
Because I am sad. I am overwhelmed. I am scared. I don’t want to have to think about the possibility of losing my mom. Not right now. Not ever.
… But I also love puppies and I don’t always want to be the person wallowing in my sadness.
Happy New Years guys! Hopefully this year will put everything right again. I’m not sure when my next post will be, maybe in a few hours, days, weeks. Maybe in another 8 months. Either way, it was really nice to be able to get this off my chest. I can breathe a little better. At least for a while.